Let's go to the mall!

By Saturday, our dear SRCC students needed a break from herding us around, so we gave them the weekend off while we pressed on. To be honest, I could have used a break, too, but we must continue our tireless expedition so as not to miss anything. Breaks are for the weak, I suppose.

NOIDA, a government-planned expansion of Delhi (NOIDA is an acronym for the government name), was our destination today. A lot more high rises and planned housing projects than the actual city, as well as a $10 million park honoring dalits (untouchables)...that they built instead of using that money to actually help the untouchables. Some things are the same worldwide.

Our main excursion within NOIDA was the Akshardam Temple. Absolutely no cameras were allowed inside, so you'll have to be content with my descriptions and this picture I took from the bus:

Up close, the temple is gorgeous--very intricately carved and actually very new (they only finished building it in 2005). It was built to honor the Bhagwan Swaminarayan, a Hindu visionary, and a name you will hear much more of before this blog post is over! Prepare yourself.

After we surrendered our cameras and bags--pretty much everything--a sign gave us the most detailed list of forbidden items I've never seen, including certain types of sweets (why they didn't just say "no food and drink" is beyond me), and not only alcohol, but drunkards as well. So, being from Penn State, none of us were allowed inside. (Cue cymbals.)

Courtesy Google Images

We had heard this was an interactive temple, not just a space of worship, so we were excited to receive tickets to various "activities" on the grounds. Oh, how little did we know. This is where the story gets...strange.

We were ushered through a set of dark rooms for our first ride, of sorts. I say ride because this was sort of a cross between It's a Small World and Pirates of the Caribbean at Disney World, only creepier. A set of lifelike Animatronics told us the story of the Bhagwan Swaminarayan by showing scenes of his life. "Come," the voice said each time, urging us to the next room. "Let us see how the Bhagwan Swaminarayan..." and then it would say what he'd be doing in the next room. If you're wondering how I remember such a long and impossible name, it's because the narrator only repeated it about 5,000 times, using the entire name each time.

Looks friendly enough. Courtesy Google Images

Bhagwan Swaminarayan was apparently some sort of Hindu prodigy, reciting the Vedas (holy book) by age five and making animatronic fishermen scream tortured screams when he gave them visions of hell. I had several problems with this presentation:

1) This guy, who was supposed to be no better than anyone else, was shown in several scenes wearing a jeweled turban and sitting on a throne, doling out advice. Even in the childhood scene, he's wearing these perfect clothes while the other children are in rags. So much for practicing what you preach.

The humble Swami on his throne. Courtesy Google Images.

2) The devotion people showed him was kind of absurd. In one scene, a poor couple with no food or possessions is struggling through the desert when they happen upon an expensive silver bangle. Instead of selling that bangle to buy food and a place to live, they bury it in the sand, remembering the lessons of Bhagwan Swaminarayan. "

Remember," said the wife, "how Swaminarayan came to visit us, ate our food, and taught us to be honorable and not take the possessions of others?" Well, there you go! Not only is this jeweled turban guy being a hypocrite by telling others not to seek wealth, he's eating them out of house and home as well! No wonder they're starving! Couldn't he bring them food instead of just praying with them and having them serve him? I'm surprised they didn't tell the Bhagwan Swaminarayan to stick that jeweled turban where the sun don't shine.

3) Finally, the animatronics were just creepy. They were actually high-tech, and I almost screamed when Swaminarayan stood up from his throne and prayed at one point. In another scene where he's practicing yoga, he just kept raising and lowering his arm with a continued, "Ommmmmmmmmmm... ommmmmmmmmm..."

Courtesy Google Images

We managed to escape from the animatronic people alive and were herded to an IMAX movie! About the life of Bhagwan Swaminarayan. I kid you not. We watched a slightly more detailed version of the exact same story (played out by real, live people, thank goodness). The movie focused on the life of the young Swami, this smart-alecky kid named Neelkanth that I wanted to smack for most of the film, and his journeys across dangerous rivers and into the Himalayas to spread his wisdom. I'm sorry, but no. This 11-year- old kid did not climb mountains like Everest and K2 in only a loincloth and live to tell the tale. Also, the slightly-older version of Neelkanth is played by the Indian version of Michael Jackson. I kept expecting him to break out into "Man in the Mirror" when he was stopping the villains from throwing fire.

You thought I was kidding about the Michael Jackson thing, didn't you. Oh, no. No no no. Courtesy Google Images

Also, did I mention that that's all that happens in this movie? The kid walks around. That's it.

After this event mercifully ended, we were ushered to the final setup: a flume ride! I threw up my hands and gave a cheerful, "Woohoo!" as our boat careened down the initial baby hill. With any luck, it would be a mini version of Tidal Force.

Nope. Instead, we sailed around a flat, peaceful canal, learning about how Indian civilization was the first to develop everything in the world. There wasn't even music, just this eerie silence behind the narrator's voice and lifelike statues on the sides writing in Sanskrit and frozen in dancing positions. At least we didn't have to hear anymore about the Bhagwan Swaminarayan.

I even would have been okay with a baby flume ride. Courtesy Google Images

After this whole rigamarole, we did finally get to go inside the temple. I have to admit, it was beautiful. When the doors are open at night, you can see the gold statue of the Swami from the highway half a mile away. But by that point, I would have been perfectly happy never hearing another word about the Bhagwan Swaminarayan.

Perhaps our chaperone sensed this, because our second part of the day was a mall. Indian shopping malls, while not so different from larger American malls, are quite an experience in themselves. There were quite a few restaurants, endless stores, and even a club, throbbing with bass beats at 3 PM:

Before we left, a few of us stopped at the bookstore. Ali--perhaps the most proper member of our group--had the scandalous, yet intriguing, idea to pick up one of India's classic works of literature: the Kama Sutra. I won't say much more, except that there were lots of giggles and some reading aloud on the bus, with Chris, our group's token boy, commenting, "You guys are so base." Among the more innocent tidbits I can share: did you know the Kama Sutra includes a list of 64 things men should learn to make themselves desirable? Number 24 is "making lemonades, sherbets, and drinks." I insist that any potential husband of mine learn this most invaluable skill.

Come! Let us see how the Bhagwan Swaminarayan made his lover a homemade sherbet.